A Story of Conversion

Having started this blog just a few days ago, I thought this might be a good time to post the story of my conversion. Not that I had anything to do with it (as you will find as you read), but for the sake of God's glory.

May my story serve as a warning to those who are falsely assured of their conversion.

Born in 1954, I grew up in a "Christian" home. We went to a local Methodist church. I remember one time asking my mother "how do you get to heaven?" and she said "your father says you have to believe Jesus is the Son of God". Well, that was a form of the truth, but not the whole truth. And I'm sure my dad didn't mean to mislead.

Our family wasn't close. Dad worked alot to supply an income for our family. Mom eventually also worked selling various things, such as World Book Encyclopedias. And I was kind of a loaner. It was hard for me to make friends; in fact, I don't remember having any real friends during my youth.

This went on as I went into adulthood. In 1973, I moved to Peoria Illinois to work as a manager trainee at a restaurant. My "Christian" heritage was in my rear view mirror by then and I was basically developing chameleonic tendencies in order to get the approval of whoever I was around at the time. This got me involved, eventually, into the drug and alcohol scene, ironically starting with some younger "friends" of my parents who had once rented from them and since moved to Indianapolis. I'd go down there on a monthly basis and party with them for the weekend.

I was a very confused young man. I could only go along with things to a point, then I knew something was wrong. I just couldn't explain why.

Eventually someone told me about "praying to accept Christ". Well, again, I was only told part of the story. I'll explain later, but at this point I "prayed the prayer" and bought the argument that it was wrong to doubt my salvation. What I now realize is, is that all I had was an intellectual ascent to a body of beliefs, not a transfer of trust resulting in a personal relationship.

Not long after that, I ran into a group of legalists who convinced me that the point of the Christian life is to learn theology and pound at those who are "wrong". Well, this appealed to my pride and need for personal power and glory so I bit. I had no idea that the Christian life is one of dying to self. I began learning all about why not to believe various things. I studied the Bible on a regular basis (good) so that I could be ready to nail anyone who had a "wrong view" (bad). I even started studying Biblical (koine) Greek on my own from Machen's grammar

Eventually, I was listening to a series of tapes by John MacArthur about "The Hallmarks of Discipleship". He talked about true saving faith. But I still didn't get the point. However, I knew I was missing something. So, I left my job and went to California to study at a very good Bible Institute at Grace Community Church. Ironically, I was on that campus nine months but never asked the right questions about faith, and what real faith is. How I wish I would have asked.

After returning home, I got very discouraged. Contrary to what I saw in L.A., I saw a very political environment with the churches in our area. Unfortunately, I didn't understand that this wasn't about church, but about a person, Jesus Christ. So I ended up "taking a break" from it all.

I was about to find out how far I could fall without God in my life.

I ended up unable to hold a job; mainly because of the local economy. Lots of things shutting down. One layoff after another. As time went on, frustration grew and I ended up going to college. Feeling a need to prove to the world that I was "somebody", I made it a point to graduate first in my class -- and succeeded. However, because of the stress that involved I hurt alot of people who were very close to me. I left alot of emotional "corpses" in my wake as I sought to feed my ego by my GPA. During school, I was angry and focused on my studies. During breaks, I was drunk most of the time. By God's grace I never became an alcoholic.

Eventually I got a job at a large university. With it came a free Internet connection. That was a new "toy" to me and eventually I found the dark side of it all and eventually embraced it.

The short version is that I ended up returning to my old drinking habits, and eventually getting involved in all kinds of trash in an effort to be "happy". Pursuing personal happiness became my top priority. The problem went further...I was a member of a local service organization and could see that my hidden life was beginning to leak into my public life. Sin is never content to stay within the borders. What you practice in the darkness you will eventually cry from the housetops.

It was in July of 1998 that I was sitting at my computer. To my recollection, I had a secular cd in my computer and was listening to it. My point is that there was no preaching on a radio or TV, no Christian music in the background. But as I was looking at some political stuff on the Internet, it was as if "someone" was there and helped me suddenly understand the filth I had been in, and how horrible my life had become. Using and abusing people, all that. I also suddenly realized two things...that I was far from what my parents had raised me to be and (more importantly) I am a sinner before a very holy God.

See, that was the element that was missing from my earlier "pleas" to God. I had been trying to just add Him to my life as fire insurance. God doesn't honor that. I had been sold a bill of goods and failed to find out what the truth was. God, in His grace, was letting me know how wrong I had been.

Needless to say, I was in shock. I felt as if my jaw literally hit the floor. I began crying and got on my knees saying "God, have mercy on me, a sinner"; not realizing of course that I was quoting Scripture. I told the Lord that I didn't want to live that way any more and that I wanted to live as He wants me to live. In other words, I turned from my former way of life, confessing my sin and turning to God. That is repentance.

I now realize that being a Christian (a real one) is much more than "agreeing that Jesus is the Son of God". It is realizing that we are all criminals before a holy judge. He has found us guilty and passed sentence -- eternal separation from God in hell. HOWEVER, this same judge has also taken off his robe and come around to our side of the bench (Jesus came to earth and paid the penalty for my sin and yours ... He died in our place when he owed no penalty of His own). He then went back to his side of the bench (rose from the dead and seated at the right hand of God the Father) and declared my debt paid in full. That was the message I should have heard in my youth. That and the need to transfer my trust from myself to trust in Christ. It's not about "Faith". It's about "faith in Christ". I used to have "faith in faith". Now I trust Christ.

So, would you consider yourself to be a good person? Yes? Well, what about measuring yourself by God's standard? Have you ever told a lie? What does that make you? A liar? You say "well, I've never murdered anyone"... but have you ever hated anyone? Jesus said that if you hate someone you have committed murder in your heart. So that would make you a murderer just like it does me. You say you've never committed adultery? Jesus said that if we look upon someone with lust we commit adultery in our hearts. So we are adulterers. Ever stolen anything? I don't care how small. A pen from work? That makes you and I thieves. God says that no adulterers, liars or thieves, nor the covetous (among others) will ever enter heaven.

So what do you do? Ask God to forgive you? Would that work in a court of law? "Hey judge, I know you found me guilty and all but hey, can't you just forgive me?" Would that be a just judge? Of course not! Such a judge is a mockery to justice. But as I mentioned earlier, this Judge came around to our side of the bench and paid the eternal penalty for our sin.

It's not about "finding your purpose" or "filling a God shaped vacuum" or "finding peace". It's about being transformed from death to life. About establishing a transforming love relationship with a Judge who wants to be your father through the penalty paid by His Son, Jesus. It's about realizing that you and I have offended a holy God and asking him for mercy and grace, turning from our sin and embracing the One Who died for us.

So, now you know more about me and what my journey has been. I pray you know Him or are on your way to knowing Him.